Eskimoa

I read in the news today that someone got killed near to where I live. It was in an appartment so most likely they knew each other. But this isn't the first time someone gets murdered in my hometown. Something happens every week more or less, well not a murder but something bad.

I don't think many people feel safe here anymore. If you go out when it's dark you barely see anyone on the streets. I admit I'm scared to walk alone when it's dark, and that mekes me so angry!

 

Today I were at my sisters home, she lives approximately 10 minuits away from my home. The thing is there are not many houses on the way and a small forest. So if something would happen to me most likely no one would hear or see anything. When I were about to leave at 9 pm, my sieter asked me if she should drive me home. Which she or her husband have done many times before. But I said no.

 

I'm sick and tired of beeing afraid. This is my hometown, my hoods, I refuse to be scared to walk the streets I've been walking so many times before.

 

Where is this world heading?

Okey, so my blog yesterday was a bit depressing. But that's just a reflaction of me at the moment. But I don't want you to think that my life is all bad now just becaus I'm back in Sweden. Honestly there are alot of things I like alot with my life. But I came to think about a particular thing, the main reason I live in this country.

 

My family. I got so touched by something my mother wrote here in the comment field. And what she wrote I can feel that my whole family support. They have always accepted me, respected and encurraged me in what I want, who I am and have never judged me. And I would never be who I am today if I didn't ahve them.

 

When I say family I also mean my closest friends. They are like family to me. And I have this one friend that I've known since 6:th grade, where we became BFF. I texted her yesterday around 11 pm and told her I was down. Within few minutes she had came up with several things to make me feel better. And today she bought me a ticket for a hockey game tomorrow. <3 Even though she can't take away my pain she always find a way to make me feel better!

 

And it doesn't end with her! I have more amazing friends that makes me feel loved and special. I got a text from one of my oldest friends that now lives in the US. She will come to Mexico to have vacation with me when I'm there. =o) And then there is the reson I'm going to Mexico in the first place, to meet old guide friends.

 

Just now when I'm writing about all this I feel alot better! When I think of all the lovely people I actually have in my life. So a big THANK YOU to all of you. I love you all so much!!

 

Xox

But not kicking it so much.

 

So someone mentioned that I havn't updated my blog for a while. Hmm... It's been one year or so. I'm still alive but not sure if I'm living though. If you know what I mean.

 

I'm back in Sweden and have been here for over a year now. I know it's insane! Guidelife at my last destianation didn't turn out to what I thought it would be, and there was alot of things going on back home so I felt that I needed to be with my loved ones.

 

At the moment I'm working at a kindergarten, which is great. I love working with kids and I have been working at this kindergarten before so I know everyone there. I'll be there until June and after that I don't know what will happen in my life.

 

It's so nice to be able to see my loved ones on a weekly basis and I love it when I can help my sister out with my nephews and take my niece to the stable. And I need to say I even enjoy Christmas! Which I've never liked before.

But, I would lie if I said that I'm happy with my life. That would be a BIG fat lie! This is still Sweden, and sorry to say, I don't like it. Winter makes me depressed and I've seen some signs on my body that I'm no fine. This have happend to me before and that was just before I collapsed one day on the floor.  

 

I miss the world! I miss meeting new exciting people! I miss that Moa I am there and then. The fearless, curious, living, amazing person I can be. Here I'm only a bad version of myself. A gray, boring no YOLO kind of person.

 

People usually ask me what I want in my life, when I will get a job "for real", when I'll live on my own, when I'll grow up and so on. You know what, never! I'll never get a "real job" when that means waking up and go and do something you most likely don't like doing just to earn money so you can live for the weekends. That means IF you don't have a job that include weekends, which most jobs do.

I'll not pay for an apartment just to have somewhere to spend my pointless life, I don't even like being by myself.

And I'll NEVER grow up if that means to be like everyone else! A gray version of something else you could have been.

And on the question what I want to do with my life; I want to fucking live it! That's what I want for my self. I know, selfish hah?